Dame Edna Everage.
“Look at me when I’m talking to you!” 2nd
December 1993
I’ve
always enjoyed Barry Humphries shows especially Dame Edna... the way she
insults people in the audience and makes even the recipient laugh just fascinates me.
So
here I am again at another show with David and friends Kay and John Speed. Our seats are in the fourth row and pretty
close to the wall aisle. We arrive early
and watch the audience slowly seat themselves wondering who Edna will pick on
tonight.... a bag lady makes a lot of noise getting to her seat, she has a bit of a barny with the Usher over
something and seats herself right behind us... she rummages in her many bags
and a strong smell of metho drifts our way... we daren’t look around in case we
get a lashing from her tongue as the Usher did.
Eventually the show begins and first on the
stage is Sir Les Patterson, the bag lady
roars with uncontrollable laughter every time he adjusts his over long penis...
or makes the smallest sexual innuendo, most of the time she is the only one
laughing. All through the first half I
have an uncomfortable feeling that Barry Humphries has his eye on me, but I dismiss this as silly... I suspect everyone in the first few rows feels this.
Interval
comes and after stretching our legs we change seats with Kay and John. Curtain goes up and there she is in all her
glory... Dame Edna has been asked by the Queen to be Australian’s first
Republican Leader... she is decked out in an extravagant outfit of Australiana
and receives much applause... almost immediately she comes to our side of the
theatre and looking at Kay says...
‘Now where’s that nicely rounded
lady who was sitting in that seat?’ Kay
and I both shudder!!! and it doesn’t
take too long for her to find me!!
‘Hello Possum!’ she says... I can
only nod!!
‘Now what’s your name??’
‘Pennie’ I squeak almost
inaudibly
‘Pennie!!...... now where do you
live Pennie??’ my mind is racing...
should I say a different suburb?? Should
I pretend I don’t even live in Sydney??
Eventually I decide to tell the truth because I know she can be
merciless...
‘Turramurra!’
‘Mmmmmm North Shore?’
“Yes!’
‘What sort of house do you live
in Pennie?’
‘A nice one!!’
‘Aaaaahhhh she lives in a NICE
house Possums’ laughter erupts in the
theatre, ‘Is it a brick house Pennie?’
‘Yes!’
‘All Brick Pennie??’
‘Yes!’
‘What no doors or
windows???’ Loud laughter breaks out
again... she moves onto to some other poor person and I start to look for an
escape route... between me and the aisle
is David and about three other people... I think I can get down on my hands and
knees and crawl out... keeping close to the seats I could crawl all the way
out... then I realise how stupid that would look and what’s the guarantee that
someone won’t dob me in!! So I sit there
hoping she’s finished with me... no such luck!!!
Now
Dame Edna is calling me up on stage... I am terrified!!! Absolutely
terrified, I‘m too shy and cannot get up in front of
friends, how can I do this??? There is a
boy in front of me who is a bit simple and he’s twisting around in his
seat
leering at me and saying..... ‘Come on Pennie....... you can do
it....... Come
on.... up you go Pennie.’ Dame Edna had
given a lady in the front row absolute hell because she wouldn’t
participate so
I eventually decide that it would be easier to go up to Edna than not
to. Somehow I climb the stairs and she is saying
to me... ‘So you didn’t bother to change before you came to my Show
Pennie??’ Laughter rocks the whole theatre.... while everyone is
laughing she is holding my hands and encouraging me in a very gentle
whisper, she
is reassuring me that everything will be O.K.!!
I’m not exactly relaxed but I’m amazed at the real person behind those
eyes, makeup and clothes... I am gently pushed out to the wings where
all is
dark but a voice is saying... ‘Just come here Pennie... and put your
arms
out... I’m going to put some clothes on you and a wig...’ I never saw
this person it was too dark but
before I knew it I was back on stage with the Audience erupting with
laughter.... I had no idea what I was wearing I never saw it but I could
see
David in the Audience laughing with the rest of them... he looked so
proud of
his wife and I wished it was him up here and not me... Dame Edna was
Australia’s Republican Queen... I was Fergie... there was also
Prince Charles and a couple of others...
I was in shock... I couldn’t speak I just moved robot like, being pushed
from here to there... Edna held my hand and we sang and danced... I
don’t know
what ... all I can remember is that I had this fixed grin on my face....
I
think it stopped me from bursting into tears.
Then before I knew it I was backstage again being shed of my finery then
back for a final farewell... Edna gave
me a bunch of Gladdies, a bottle of wine and some hand cream... I’ve
never
worked out the significance of the hand cream... I was back in my seat
with
David, Kay and John all grinning from ear to ear. The boy sitting in
front was cheering me back
and telling me how terrific I was. My
legs were shaking and I collapsed back into my seat... Phew!!!
The
Show finished not long after and we were able to go home... and on the way out
I heard several people saying to their friends... ‘Look there goes
Pennie!!!’ ‘There she is... there’s
Pennie.’
David
tells me I was dressed in a long green velvet dress with a big red wig and hat
on my head... after Sir Les we never
heard a word or a rustle from the Bag Lady... we thought she may have left but
no she was there at the end.
Edna
gave me this signed poem as a thank you.
Lucky Possum that you are,
You are now a Mini-star,
Despite your looks, despite your
age,
I asked you up upon my stage.
You came, you shared, you played
the game,
And now you’ll never be the same!
And evermore, where e’er you be,
This gift will make you think of
me.
A joyous heart always, your
friend,
