I made this Quilt back in 1993 after my experience at a Barry Humphries Show.

Dame Edna Everage. 

“Look at me when I’m talking to you!” 2nd December 1993

  I’ve always enjoyed Barry Humphries shows especially Dame Edna... the way she insults people in the audience and makes even the recipient laugh just  fascinates me.

  So here I am again at another show with David and friends Kay and John Speed.  Our seats are in the fourth row and pretty close to the wall aisle.  We arrive early and watch the audience slowly seat themselves wondering who Edna will pick on tonight.... a bag lady makes a lot of noise getting to her seat,  she has a bit of a barny with the Usher over something and seats herself right behind us... she rummages in her many bags and a strong smell of metho drifts our way... we daren’t look around in case we get a lashing from her tongue as the Usher did.

  Eventually the show begins and first on the stage is Sir Les Patterson,  the bag lady roars with uncontrollable laughter every time he adjusts his over long penis... or makes the smallest sexual innuendo, most of the time she is the only one laughing.  All through the first half I have an uncomfortable feeling that Barry Humphries has his eye on me, but  I dismiss this as silly... I suspect everyone in the first few rows feels this.

  Interval comes and after stretching our legs we change seats with Kay and John.  Curtain goes up and there she is in all her glory... Dame Edna has been asked by the Queen to be Australian’s first Republican Leader... she is decked out in an extravagant outfit of Australiana and receives much applause... almost immediately she comes to our side of the theatre and looking at Kay says...

‘Now where’s that nicely rounded lady who was sitting in that seat?’   Kay and I both shudder!!!  and it doesn’t take too long for her to find me!!  

‘Hello Possum!’ she says... I can only nod!! 

‘Now what’s your name??’  

‘Pennie’ I squeak almost inaudibly

‘Pennie!!...... now where do you live Pennie??’  my mind is racing... should I say a different suburb??  Should I pretend I don’t even live in Sydney??  Eventually I decide to tell the truth because I know she can be merciless...

‘Turramurra!’

‘Mmmmmm North Shore?’

“Yes!’

‘What sort of house do you live in Pennie?’

‘A nice one!!’

‘Aaaaahhhh she lives in a NICE house Possums’  laughter erupts in the theatre, ‘Is it a brick house Pennie?’

‘Yes!’

‘All Brick Pennie??’

‘Yes!’

‘What no doors or windows???’   Loud laughter breaks out again... she moves onto to some other poor person and I start to look for an escape route...  between me and the aisle is David and about three other people... I think I can get down on my hands and knees and crawl out... keeping close to the seats I could crawl all the way out... then I realise how stupid that would look and what’s the guarantee that someone won’t dob me in!!  So I sit there hoping she’s finished with me... no such luck!!! 

  Now Dame Edna is calling me up on stage... I am terrified!!!  Absolutely terrified,  I‘m too shy and cannot get up in front of friends, how can I do this???  There is a boy in front of me who is a bit simple and he’s twisting around in his seat leering at me and saying..... ‘Come on Pennie....... you can do it....... Come on.... up you go Pennie.’   Dame Edna had given a lady in the front row absolute hell because she wouldn’t participate so I eventually decide that it would be easier to go up to Edna than not to.  Somehow I climb the stairs and she is saying to me... ‘So you didn’t bother to change before you came to my Show Pennie??’   Laughter rocks the whole theatre....  while everyone is laughing  she is holding my hands and  encouraging me in a very gentle whisper, she is reassuring me that everything will be O.K.!!  I’m not exactly relaxed but I’m amazed at the real person behind those eyes, makeup and clothes... I am gently pushed out to the wings where all is dark but a voice is saying... ‘Just come here Pennie... and put your arms out... I’m going to put some clothes on you and a wig...’  I never saw this person it was too dark but before I knew it I was back on stage with the Audience erupting with laughter.... I had no idea what I was wearing I never saw it but I could see David in the Audience laughing with the rest of them... he looked so proud of his wife and I wished it was him up here and not me...  Dame Edna was Australia’s Republican  Queen... I was Fergie... there was also Prince Charles and a couple of others...  I was in shock... I couldn’t speak I just moved robot like, being pushed from here to there... Edna held my hand and we sang and danced... I don’t know what ... all I can remember is that I had this fixed grin on my face.... I think it stopped me from bursting into tears.    Then before I knew it I was backstage again being shed of my finery then back for a final farewell...  Edna gave me a bunch of Gladdies, a bottle of wine and some hand cream... I’ve never worked out the significance of the hand cream... I was back in my seat with David, Kay and John all grinning from ear to ear.  The boy sitting in front was cheering me back and telling me how terrific I was.  My legs were shaking and I collapsed back into my seat... Phew!!!   

  The Show finished not long after and we were able to go home... and on the way out I heard several people saying to their friends... ‘Look there goes Pennie!!!’  ‘There she is... there’s Pennie.’

  David tells me I was dressed in a long green velvet dress with a big red wig and hat on my head...  after Sir Les we never heard a word or a rustle from the Bag Lady... we thought she may have left but no she was there at the end.

  Edna gave me this signed poem as a thank you.

Lucky Possum that you are,    

You are now a Mini-star,

Despite your looks, despite your age,

I asked you up upon my stage.

You came, you shared, you played the game,

And now you’ll never be the same!

And evermore, where e’er you be,

This gift will make you think of me.  

A joyous heart always, your friend,

Love Edna   X